Open-Secrets

Author: John

  • Vanity Fair Hair

    A Vain Experience Many Would Love to Have

    vanity_fair_hairThe other day, as I was brushing my hair, I noticed my hair is getting darker. It appears the gray is receding and the brown returning. I thought – can that be? I’ve been keeping an eye on it ever since and I think it’s true – my hair is getting darker.

    It’s funny because it seems this is more challenging to me than the larger forehead over the years, or the thinning spot at the back, or the gray itself. I’ve never been very concerned with my hair since I was twenty and it was down to my shoulders and bleached blonde by the Caribbean sun.

    But here it is getting darker. I think it must be the result of one of the new supplements I’m taking or that little dab of Paul Mitchell’s Round Trip which I started using a few weeks ago to keep things a little bit under control.

    As I explored my concerns about my hair’s returning youth, I discovered an interesting spin on vanity – kind of a vain negative vanity. I’m concerned that others will think I’m coloring my hair and thus vain. I’ve always wondered about men that color their hair or do those elaborate comb-overs. To me, those guys are waving a big flag of insecurity and most of them look a little funny if not ridiculous – in my humble vain opinion.

    What a weird feeling to be concerned about people thinking I’m vain, when I’m not. But, then again, this experience seems to be revealing that I am.

    What a way to start a new year – my vanity fair with hair!

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  • Forgiveness

    forgivenessWhat is Forgiveness?

    I was watching Deepak Chopra on Bill O’Reilly and the notion of forgivness came up for me. We hear the phrase – I forgive you – all the time and yet, I notice in many of these situations, there appears to be residual angst in the consciousness of those forgiving.

    Wikipedia – Forgiveness is typically defined as the process of ceasing to feel resentment, indignation or anger for a perceived offense, difference or mistake, and ceasing to demand punishment or restitution.

    Hillary Rodham Clinton: In the Bible it says they asked Jesus how many times you should forgive, and he said 70 times 7. Well, I want you all to know that I’m keeping a chart.

    Martin Luther King, jr.:  We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us. When we discover this, we are less prone to hate our enemies.

    Forgiveness involves both the heart and the mind. In my experience, the heart opens so wide, it can hold the entire situation, all the pain, suffering and betrayal. In this extraordinary vastness a magical openness and acceptance and kindness arise that frees the heart of anguish.

    The effect on the mind is like erasing a slate – beginner’s mind. The past is still the past – events happened. But the past no longer defines me or the other. Not only is the other truly forgiven, the other is free to emerge in a whole new light in my world.

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  • The Curious Case of A Buttoned-Up Life

    benjamin-buttoned-upLonging for Youth & Experience

    I rarely wish I could live my life over or go back in time. When these moments do occur, it mostly seems to involve a sense of – having my lived experience available earlier in life.

    We seem to want our youth back for various reasons – health, well-being, beauty, innocence, wonderment, etc. There is another group of us that want to go back in time to play the stock market, buy real estate, have better and more sex, and a host of other things.

    In general, the egoic mind will want to return to the past with the mind’s attained knowledge to continue our quest for pleasure and satisfaction. Wishing for a chance to bring our lived experience into the past is another manifestation of the ego’s love affair with control – trying to control and direct our experience.

    Some may argue, that being able to relive our lives with our adult knowledge and lived experience is about living a better more authentic life – wanting to live a life with less pain and suffering for us and the people we crossed paths with. But really, it’s all about us and our fantasy of grandiosity.

    If we really believed our current knowledge and experience would make a huge difference in our past and the course of our lives – we would be living that knowledge and lived wisdom right now, in present time. We’d be so busy freeing ourselves from the chains of the past in the fullness of the present, that our mind would not be wishing for anything other than right now.

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  • ‘Tis the Noble Season

    The Season of Nobility

    This is the time of year we often hear – ’tis the season to be jolly. I like to think of it as the season to be noble.

    The etymology of noble:

    c.1225, “illustrious, distinguished, worthy of honor or respect,” from O.Fr. noble, from L. nobilis “well-known, famous, renowned, of superior birth,” earlier gnobilis, lit. “knowable,” from gnoscere “to come to know,” from PIE base *gno- (see know). The prominent Roman families, which were “well known,” provided most of the Republic’s public officials. Meaning “distinguished by rank, title, or birth” is first recorded 1297. Sense of “having lofty character, having high moral qualities” is from 1601. The noble gases (1902) so called for their inactivity or interness; a use of the word that had been applied in M.E. to precious stones, metals, etc., of similar quality (c.1390), from the sense of “having admirable properties” (c.1305).

    Nobility has gotten a bad rap over the centuries as less-than-noble humans inherited the banner of nobility through birthright. When I think of the nobility of the soul, the points I resonate with in the above are:

    • worthy of honor
    • knowable
    • high moral qualities
    • having admirable properties

    Nobility, for me,  carries a high sense of value, a sense of being above pettiness and the mundane, a sense of regality (of the king) and a great sense of generosity.

    Generosity is the quality that makes the season noble. The etymology of generous:

    1588, from M.Fr. généreux (fem. généreuse), from L. generosus “of noble birth,” from genus (gen. generis) “race, stock” (see genus). Originally “of noble birth,” secondary senses of “unselfish” and “plentiful” were both present in Fr. and perhaps in Latin.

    For me, generosity has a sense of openness in it that allows the richness and depth of personal value to flow into present experience. One of the sweet mysteries of the soul is its depth and breadth of treasure.

    As I walk thorugh the mall, the bookstore, the restaurant or go through my ordinary day is this Holiday Season, I witness a lot of nobility & poverty. Regardless of our circumstances, we need not lack generosity or nobility.

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  • Give Me THE GIFT

    Give THE GIFT of Honest Feedback

    We’re in the midst of the gift-giving season. As we wander the malls, the boutiques and the Internet looking for those perfect gifts, let’s not forget one of the gifts that serves the soul – honest feedback.

    Superego, inner critic and self-esteem issues can inhibit us from providing valuable feedback to those we meet, greet and love. The same issues can prevent us from receiving feedback that would be invaluable for our process, growth and unfoldment.

    THE GIFT often falls under the heading of – tough love. The invitation extended here is for us to be receptive to honest feedback. Embracing feedback from others is invaluable – EVEN IF IT IS TOTALLY OFF BASE.

    Feedback that is insightful and on-target gives us an opportunity to see ourselves more clearly and take corrective action. Feedback that misses the mark often creates a reaction in us, which provides us insight into our deeper more subtle issues and structures that continue to distort our perception of ourselves and others.

    Resistance to “negative” feedback can stop us from discovering some of the most valuable insight. Some of the most profound growth opportunities (gifts) often come in wrapped in plain or ugly gift wrap.

    When someone asks if we are open to feedback – consider this response – Go ahead, give me THE GIFT.

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  • No Problem is the Problem

    If There’s No Problem, Why are You Saying So?

    I’m in a restaurant and ask the wait-person for something. When it’s delivered, I say – thank you. The wait-person’s response – No Problem.

    I’m in the coffee shop for my morning cup. When it arrives – same routine. Thank You. No Problem.

    I’m in the electronics store. A sales associate helps me with some information – thank you – no problem.

    What’s up this no-problem response?

    What ever happened to – My Pleasure?

    When I ask a waiter, a sales associate or a business owner for assistance, I don’t expect it to be a problem for them to provide the service which they are being paid to provide.

    No problem is one of those habitual, unconscious responses that on the surface seems positive, but really carries a subtle negative association in the mind.

    No problem??? Is it a problem serving me? Is it a problem getting me the information I need to purchase a new laptop?

    On the other hand, when I ask for the Dijon mustard and the wait-person provides it with a – my pleasure – I feel like my experience is a personal concern of this person.  I feel welcomed, seen and considered.

    No problem – can leave me wondering.

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Open-Secrets