Self-Recrimination is an Endless Suffering

Why do we continue to suffer under the tyranny of blame, when there is a road less traveled that will lead us to wonder and awe?

Cycle of BlameLast night in a state of extreme fatigue, I made an offhand comment to dear friends that initiated a cycle of self-blame that would have kept me up all night if I hadn’t been so exhausted. When I awakened at 3am, the wheel of self-recrimination began and it would still be running if I had not taken the road less traveled – a road I have traveled for over 20 years.

One of the traps of the blame game is in thinking of resolving the situation or find some means for correction. I am not saying that corrective action cannot be taken and that learning and evolution will not result from it, but it is the mind’s compulsion toward activity that is the road most traveled. The beauty of self-recrimination is in its sense of self-perpetuating mental activity and emotional reactivity – on and on – the cycle of blame turns and turns.

As I lay in bed with the wheel starting to turn, I realized, once again, that engaging the cycle of blame would do me nor my friends, any real good. So, started to observe the activity itself, the emotions, the feelings and sensations. Seeing the mental activity, emotional reactivity as a familiar endless cycle helped me to see inertia masquerading as action.

This stuck cycle of blame is inertia in movement – round and round, going nowhere – keeping me stuck in some kind of sense of self that is tied to my recent faux pas and an endless line of connected dots in the past. A sense of self-hatred with a sense of gray lead emerged.

As I lay there, letting go of the need to “think it to death,” and simply experience what else was arising, the weight of the lead and the sense of self-annhiliation transformed my experience into one of a deep sweet peace where I was intimately aware of the love, tenderness and appreciation I feel for my friends.

From this place, offhand remarks that would keep me up all night are not possible.

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