Tag: ego self

Optimizing Your Work with Object Relations

What is an Object Relation?

Psychoanalysis definition: a theory describing the relationship felt or the emotional energy directed by the self or ego toward a chosen object.

Simply put, it’s a way the mind perceives, interprets and organizes information – there’s me, there is the other (person, idea, thought, memory, object, etc.) and there is the affective energy that connects me to the other, defining the relationship.

These defined relationships, object relations, begin developing early in life, prior to the capacities for abstract thought and self-reflection. Rudimentary, significant object relations are formed early in our experience and then the mind, interpreting and understanding our stream of experience, for the most part, is simply comparing what’s happening in the moment to something familiar from the past – projecting the past onto the present.

As we develop the capacity for abstract thought and imagining ourselves in events, the mental comparative processes used to ‘understand’ experience begins to usurp experiential exploration as the foundation for the process of understanding. One could see it as a type of mental shorthand to save us time and energy. This is reflected in conversation as well with the ubiquitous use of the word “like” in U. S. culture.

Object relations are the internal building blocks of self-identity.

Let’s talk about the celebrity in this drama – YOU.

The Self

Self – one’s cognitive and affective representation of one’s own identity

Drop the concept of true/false self for a while and simply associate the term self with your historical familiar sense of you.

Though we all have this “sense of self,” it, in fact, does not exist as anything more than a composite of memories, in short it is nothing more than a memory aggregate incorporated into present experience.

We’re going to explore the state of affairs we find ourselves in after normal ego development and a few decades of living. We’ll be looking at this from a view of process and we’ll be using some simple concepts to enhance understanding.

Unraveling

All of us have probably had the experience of untangling string and knots. It takes patience and stick-to-itiveness – perseverance. In addressing this ball of knotted history and identity we are going to need PATIENCE and STICK-to-ITIVENESS!

I don’t know about you, but there were times, in frustration, I said – to hell with it – and got out the scissors, but that won’t work in this situation because psychologically trying to cut the string is really just weaving another thread into the existing mess.

Frustration just pulls on a thread tightening the knots and adding more tension to the entire ball. Most of us have experience with a knot or two that was unmovable – think of that in terms of psychic knots and the amount of resistance and constriction it takes to maintain certain knots.

This is the beauty of understanding object relations – when you understand the process and the simple secret of unwinding the mess, it helps to support perseverance and patience. And, though challenges remain, a sense of joy and aliveness arise in our process.

Here is one of the secrets of engaging this process optimally:

Anyone who has untangled a ball of string knows that as you untangle each section or length of string, no matter how small, more space arises in the mess making progress easier and easier.

Often the first hurdle is finding an end to start with and that’s one of the beauties of object relations, you can start right where you are because the end of the most appropriate string is right here in this moment – in your present experience, even if your present experience is “nothing.”

Here is another powerful secret: as progress is made, give more and more attention to the space than to the mess of string. From experience, you may know that when the tangled mess includes more space, you can almost shake the rest of it free.

The power of space is something we will come back to, but let’s move on to our next illustration.

Constructing the Self

The Linchpin of an Object Relation

Maintaining Structural Integrity

Each of us has a range of energy/tension that helps define us. If it gets dialed-down or amped-up, we go to work consciously or unconsciously to get back into our comfort zone. This comfort zone is a big factor in the inner-child structure which we will discuss later.

But, it’s also a huge biological factor in regards to homeostasis and the charge/discharge regulation of our body.

So, we can’t get around working with affect and energy which can be challenging when our radio station is broadcasting doom and gloom and take shelter 24/7.

Another helpful hint:

In service of patience and perseverance, assume that your involvement with object relations is never going to end. Our normal mind is a comparative mind and affect is part of its filing system. The organizing system is not the problem, identifying with the content, the object relations is the problem.

You can’t stop the mind from doing what it does – interpreting what is perceived and taking action in terms of how it relates to the body (organ of perception) and this dimension of experience.

Up next…

Beyond Single Object Relations: Working with Segments and Structures of the Personality

August 29
Ego Self and Object Relations

How the mind’s simple operating system distorts the world and traps us in the past

How the Mind Relates to the World and Others…

There is you/me

There is the other

There is an energetic/emotional/mental relationship between the two that connects to the past and the present is seen and interpreted through this lens.

Our experiences before and after birth impress upon our mind and nervous system as memory traces – mostly unconscious. These impressions form the building blocks for all future interactions with the world and others as the mind tries to learn from experiences by interpreting events and comparing what’s happening now to the past (projecting the past onto the present) and anticipating the future. These internal mental relationships are called object relations. (more…)

February 1
Ego Self

What is the Ego Self?

Is the ego self something we need to reject?

The ego self is what most refer to when they say – me, I, me self, you, her, him, and etc. The ego self is the sense of self that most people have any awareness of.

That awareness is usually very vague. Very few take the time or expend the energy to investigate what the ego self is. Exploring the ego self can be very challenging and painful – something not very appealing to people in general because it does not usually appeal to the ego self.

Many people talk about or refer to – their true self. Most talk about a true self is really about a renovation of the ego self. Listening to talk about the true self generally consists of listening to the ego self babble on about an extreme makevoer.

It’s easy to spot this. The give-away is that the self talking expects to still be around to enjoy the fruits of its rebirth. In fact, what really happens in transformation of the ego self is the self ceases to exist as we have historically known it. There is no self there to pat itself on the back and say – job well done, now let’s go and save mankind.

Taking the position or viewpoint of getting rid of the ego self only results in more internal conflict and more resistance from the self. Do you really know of anyone who jumps for joy when you offer to annihilate them?

The most productive and meaningful way to move toward what is real is with openness. Open-ended curiosity about the self, the ego self, who we take ourselves to be – is the way to align ourselves with the optimizing force of reality.

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September 16
Loss of Self vs. Self is Lost

Loss of Self – What does it mean? What is lost? Is the experience similar to being lost?

Buddhism and other non-dual teachings say there is no self to lose. Others say the self is an ontolgical reality that has various levels or degrees of manifestation including those bound and confined within the world of object relations and conceptualization.

Many are seeking the True Self. Do they want to lose the False Self and find some notion of a new and improved self? I think this sense of wanting to find or be a true self is an inherent dynamic within the soul for authenticity, to be what one really is.

It’s the concept of that “one,” the individual consciousness, that is in question here. The biggest misunderstanding, as I see it, is conceptualizing or reifying the notion of a true self according to one’s current belief structure.

The challenge of “spiritual experience” is that it is mostly co-opted by the ego mind. Experience gets categorized and filed according to the past, the familiar and the comfortable.

Loss of Self at the ego level is mostly terrifying as the mind interprets this as actual death or going insane or some other existential disaster.

In fact, the experience of loss of self is liberating if one is able to relax into the experience. This involves letting go of the compulsion of staying one step ahead of one’s experience.

Free-falling into experience as it unfolds without the immediate need to control or understand is challenging. What seems to help facilitate the process is a sense of loving curiosity that is more centered in the heart than the head.

Looking at the world today, I can only see loss of a few zillion selfs as a positive thing. Indeed, the world might improve overnight if we forget the past and let the self go.

Does loss of self mean loss of identity, loss of control, loss if the individual? What are your thoughts – experiences?

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June 8
Narcissistic Injury

Narcissistic injury is one of those loaded psychological terms. In fact, all things narcissistic seem to be. I think that is because the word narcissism or narcissistic is generally used to describe pathology and not the over-arching reality that everyone with an ego (everyone) is a narcissist.

Narcissistic defenses are present to some degree in all people, but are especially pervasive in narcissists. These defenses are used to protect the narcissist from experiencing the feelings of the narcissistic injury. – StudyWorld

Ego identity, the false self, or whatever you want to call it, is fundamentally a case of mistaken identity. The “I” or “me” involved in this case of mistaken identity is self-centered and self-promotional.

Narcissists cannot love others because they don’t love their TRUE self. They “love” a fiction – the FALSE SELF. They are full of feelings of inferiority and self-loathing and they are very sadistic and self-punishing when they incur a narcissistic injury (when they “fail”). You can’t love others if you do not love yourself. Moreover, narcissists do not understand what it means to be human (i.e., they lack empathy). To them other people are bi-dimensional, cartoon, cardboard cutouts, or, at most, an audience. Others are FUNCTIONS, INSTRUMENTS, EXTENSIONS. They, therefore, cannot be loved for what THEY ARE but only for WHAT THEY PROVIDE. This is no real love. Sam Vaknin

Narcissistic injury can be understood at a more macro level to be the wounding that occurs from not being seen or not being heard. Narcissistic injury, when experienced at its root, is the most painful wound in the soul – the wound of disconnection from True Nature.

The narcissist says, “I exist.” A narcissistic injury is you showing him that he does not exist in your life. Kicking him in the teeth and telling him he is a jerk is not a narcisstic injury– because he must therefore exist.

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March 6